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Today I went to the doctor to consult about starting St. John's Wort for depression. The ONLY reason I consulted a doctor is that I'm already taking fexofenadine (Allegra) for allergies, and I read online that SJW can cause the body to process Allegra more slowly, making it stay in the body longer and put me at greater risk for side effects. I was informed at the doctor's office that the actual interaction is that SJW decreases the effectiveness of Allegra, and does the same to ALL allergy medicines except for Flonase nasal spray. I was told that all patients react differently, and while it's recommended that I don't take SJW because it could negatively impact my allergies, I can still give it a one week trial period to check. I was also told that Allegra is safe to take at 12 hour intervals, so if I experience a decreased effectiveness, then I can take 2 Allegra a day and see if that helps. If I'm still having bad allergies, then I should stop taking the SJW.

I then asked if there was something else I could take for depression besides SJW if it did interfere with my allergy meds. My question was not answered. I was simply told, "If St. John's Wort interferes with your Allegra, then stop taking the St. John's Wort." No answers as to what I could take for depression that wouldn't interfere with my Allegra.

I didn't push the issue. I should have. If I were a normally functioning human being whose medical condition were being dismissed or ignored, then I would have pushed the issue and demanded an answer to my question. But I'm not a normally functioning person. If I were functioning normally, then I wouldn't be taking SJW to begin with and wouldn't have been asking how it interacts with Allegra. It's weird... Like, IN the office, speaking with the doctors and nurses, I can't even form the THOUGHTS to say anything back to them about how they're dismissing my condition out of hand. After I leave, I'm stewing in my anger at how they didn't even bother to ask me what I'm going through that I'm taking SJW for. They KNEW. They even said, "I assume you're taking this for depression. That's what people usually take it for." But that was the only time they acknowledged that I might actually be depressed.

This country is so afraid of mental disorders. Practically the only people that even get diagnosed are rich white people who pay loads of money their fancy private practice doctors to tell them what they want to hear. Many of them don't even hvae what they're getting diagnosed with.... They're just bored, and mental illness is interesting, AND gives them an excuse to be shitty to people. "Oh, I'm not a shitty person, I just have Asperger's. It's okay for me to scream at the waiter and stiff him on the tip just because my filet mignon was slightly overcooked. I'm bipolar! Oh, I'm not blowing you off, I can't give you a ride to the airport because I have anxiety."

Meanwhile, there are a ton of people who actually HAVE Asperger's, or depression, or anxiety, but they never get diagnosed and treated because they're people like me who are on their parents', spouses, or even government welfare insurance.... or don't even have insurance at all because they can't afford it. and the doctors dismiss people like us because they don't make the big bucks from us. They assume that we're making shit up to get painkillers because anyone who's not in the top 1% is clearly a drug addict.

But, despite wanting to avoid conflict, and despite being terrified of going to the doctor, I am going go back, every day if I have to, to get something for the depression and anxiety I feel. I know I'm not making it up because I have to live with myself. I would rather go around the long way than say "excuse me" to someone in a grocery store who is being inconsiderate and taking up the whole isle. I actively avoid movie theaters because I am too afraid of other people to tell the selfish jerk in the next seat to put away his freaking cellphone and quit texting in the middle of the movie. I wake up every day knowing that I'm unhappy with myself because I'm just a little bit fat, but I can't do anything about it because what's the point? I'm not that pretty anyway. I'm sad all the time, and it doesn't feel like there's that much hope, and even when something good happens, and I get a little bit of money for my birthday, I feel guilty when I spend it on something just for me, because I should put it towards bills instead. I feel trapped in my own head, like a bird in a cage that's just too small, and I have no idea how to make it bigger. THE FISH ARE DEAD. THEY'RE JUST DEAD! I CAN'T MAKE THEM NOT-DEAD, AND I DON'T NEED TO FIND THEM BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE. THEY'RE JUST DEAD!